27
May
I am no longer a Rhode Islet.
;_;
Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme
27
May
I am no longer a Rhode Islet.
;_;
24
May
I went to a seminar on jealousy last academic year and have kept my notes since then. I think I’m going to discard the piece of paper, but here are the contents:
The 8 branches / aspects? of Jealousy:
These were visualized by writing them on the eight tentacles of an octopus stuffed animal skirt.
Write down…
Trust
When there is something you feel you cannot say, write the following
To 2, say these things 3, 4, 1.
It occurs to me that I might have posted these somewhere already, but I think they’re pretty useful, so a little redundancy is ok.
23
May
* If I haven’t explained what I mean by ‘panic kernel’ moments:
I imagine my kernel as this little rounded rectangle, light green in color (not too far from #cafedb) wider than it is tall, with stick-figure arms and legs. It is a conflation of nullspace and terminal. It’s smooth, like a bar of soap, and generally sits around being amused. It might stroll around nibbling on an ort of cheese, or play with a pretty wildflower it finds.
I think I could make up a host of friends for it, but I’m satisfied thinking of my kernel in its little infinite white half-sphere. (Think of a glossy white storybook page. It’s empty except for the occasional wildflower or bit of cheese.)
And then sometimes it panics. “d’AHHHHHH,” it goes. Jazz hands of fright. This is caused by too much choice, the feeling of ‘doing it wrong,’ etc.
The smooth rectangular exterior is actually carefully smoothed fur, and in times of stress, that fur stands on end and puffs way out, turning the kernel into a sphere. The arms appear to retract into the fur so that only the hands are visible, and they wave around frantically. The little kernel runs in circles until someone grabs hold and smooths its hair. It will shudder and mew a little bit, but soon it is happy to return to its original rectangular pillowy shape and receive infinite hugs, or let you go on your way.
And if no one is there to grab hold? It runs out of energy eventually, I think, since running in circles with arms flailing is pretty exhausting (kernel is not very aerodynamic); I guess it falls on its face and lets its fur fall around it in a little dome, creating a convenient hair-fortress. But, I dunno; it’s sad for a while. The infinite half-dome feels like it’s collapsed, and the kernel wants out.
This post is to remind myself that the Admissions Committee did an ok job.
D. Jang ‘10: So good at life, but at the same time, so warm, cuddly, human, and attainable. We spent hours gchatting about nothing critical but always interesting things; I sat in your grad center suite after class in the mornings to watch the printers for Critical Review, and it was always so natural. I hope you find time to rest and sip your ice coffee slowly because you can, not because you’re too busy otherwise. And meanwhile, I feel marginally better knowing that there are people like you in your industry.
P. Goldstein ‘oh-something: First stand partner. Third stand, and you were a cool guy who could blast out the Schnittke. I will remember the phrase “catching the Wi-Fi fairy” from you, as it is hard to do in Alumnae Hall.
C. Yeh ‘14: /such a G/ I wrote a poem about you being a magical elf, and you are pretty magical — you make things happen, and though often laden with a million very difficult projects, you never ever show it. Your shirts fit and are crisp.
A. Ayer ‘11/’12 ScM: If only you were a good mover and emotionally available! You are the paragon of dressing in layers, sandwich-making, and large systems building. Sometimes I want to fluff up your very straight, low-lying hair. Thank you for tolerating my panic kernel [*] moments in CR and probably, other things.
[*] Panic kernel: http://losingcnt.tumblr.com/post/23607965071/panic-kernel
J. Freeman ‘11: mrawwwwwhug; see above comment about panic kernel. Generally, too, for understanding the way I think.
J. Rassi ‘12: You’re really good at communicating, and you really value friendships. That’s fantastic. Please don’t fall into a canyon, except of your own choosing.
S. Verch ‘11/’12 ScM: :DDD You are so much fun to dance with and work with, and you’re such a good communicator about code and life and in writing and speech
V. Mehta ‘12 / E. Caruso ‘13: You two are so solid and likeable! I like both of your for your solidity and, if I were to try to be more specific on what ‘solidity’ means, I guess it’s something like being really smart and patient and loud-voiced. +1 to Vihang also re: panic kernel.
J. F. Kim ‘15: I saw you a lot on campus towards the end of the year, but I think it was a good move for our co-existence to be left as a memory in the dark throbbing room, recalled with only shy looks and winks as we pass by the giant phallic library.
C. Mentus ‘12: Dry-humored adorable brilliant thing; I wish I’d gotten to know you earlier.
Z. Chonoles ‘12: you are such a fantastic brilliant human being; mathlets (different from mathletes) everywhere are lucky to be mentored by you.
P. Kernfeld ‘12: I think there are many parts of you world that I do not fit into, but I like fitting into the parts into which I do.
22
May
Hi,
I really think that it’d be best for the successes of our respective Senior Weeks if we don’t really talk or spend time near each other. To do so makes me want to cry, and that’s not how I want to spend or remember my final days at Brown.I hope you enjoy the upcoming events.
Thanks,
Thank god for graduation. Please get me away from these nice boys that I have no interest in.
You fucking delicate coddled egg; do learn to jump into a hot bath so your heart can heal, and while you’re at it, learn to not be emotionally manipulative. “want to cry” — fuck you. You make me want to slam my door and hang my lacy panties on your doorknob.
And that’s just one of you. To the other: no, I will not take your virginity. Yeah yeah yeah, “it would be just a week but it would change my outlook forever” — no. You can hire a proper prostitute and recall that I have feelings and preferences and learn to respect them instead of making a fool of yourself. There is nothing wrong with you except that you are a simpering pathetic little thing narrower across than some cocks have been long and I am not into that, or you.
To the other: fuck you. I know many wonderful people who “struggle with depression” and who are not indiscreet nigh-sociopath assholes. You say that your pets are overwhelmed with anxiety when they are near you, and now I must say that they have good instincts. I hope your mother is disappointed in you.
To the other: eew. Ugh. You’re a good person who physically repelled me. Why did I not learn to just say ‘no’ starting from you?
Admissions committee, you have done a miserable job.
21
May
Just had to do another “we’re not talking anymore”-type rejection. Same feelings, but this time I’m not going to act on them.
18
May
http://tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/04/11/last-nights-makeup/
Comment threads are usually a disaster, but this one seemed high quality:
I endlessly thank my mom for teaching me the foundation of all skin beauty is:
1. Use cold cream to soften off makeup.
2. Wash with Ivory soap.
3. Rinse every section, forehead - nose - both cheeks - chin 20 times with clear cool water.
4. Pat dry.
5. Apply a moisturizer that smells nice and that you like.
6. Repeat from #2 every morning.
I mean, it’s very simple, and that’s the appeal. I don’t wear makeup, so there is no cold cream. I don’t rinse every section with 20 times, but I try to get 20 repetitions among all the sections, and I then I apply sunscreen with SPF. I actually don’t really like the smell of the thing I use (Origins), but it will supposedly bounce those UVs off me and is earth-friendly. Also, I did not have to make a choice to purchase it. *
[*] Note that the problem isn’t purchasing it, but the choice. I have a whole rant against a florist who had the idiocy to give me choices.
17
May
articles are in the bin.
no seguiré.
16
May
If O_K Q[u] were a PID
where u is a primitive root of three
it’d be surreal to be in an ideal
generated by one fantasy
my brain, on okcupid and number theory
also: SASHA!!! PUSH THE DAMN GRADES!!!! there were 3 people in the class, the final was 5 questions long, it is worth 80% of the grade; you can eyeball the homework average; you are definitely done grading, and you have just forgotten to click the button. Just as you repeatedly have forgotten to chmod 774 the homeworks.
15
May
I think the stream of sixteenth notes in the background reminds me of gray skies and raindrops and mild sadness. Good coding music.
